If all this is too much to remember, please don’t feel stuck. Just start by communicating how you usually would and asking questions to learn your beloved’s preferences during this unusual time.

And while things might be shifting for your beloved, you can still be you. In fact, please be you and bring what’s going on in your life to the conversation. It can feel very normalizing when you have cancer to hear about other people’s troubles, no matter how small they are in comparison to having cancer. If people hide all of their difficulties, then the person with cancer can feel like they are the only one with problems, and they are deprived of fully being able to be a good friend.

Speaking of good friends, you can now reach out to your beloved and make their experience of having cancer suck (at least a little bit) less.

1. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

• This statement acknowledges that your beloved is encountering any number of distressing things without you assuming that you fully understand what they are going through.

2. “I’m sending you love, patience, and strength,” or “May you have love, patience, and strength.”

• Often, we have within us what is needed to persevere. You can call these up for your beloved in the form of sharing what you have or offering a blessing.

3. “I’m thinking of you today as you have surgery/chemo/radiation. This is another step toward protecting your health. I’m cheering you on!”

• Remembering someone on their treatment days makes them feel less alone, and you can help them see their progress by celebrating when they are half-way and all the way done, if their treatment length is known.

 4. “Is today a day you feel like talking about your health?”

• If they say yes, then ask how they are doing. Listen without trying to fix it. Be present while staying calm and non-judgmental.

• If they say no, say, “Totally fine. Just know I’m rooting for you.” Then move on to any topic, including something that’s been going on with you.