For Supporters
As a child, I loved the book Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein. One poem stuck with me, called Helping. It ends, “And some kind of help is the kind of help that helping’s all about, and some kind of help is the kind of help we all can do without.”
Unfortunately, it is possible to make things worse for your beloved going through cancer, even though your intentions are good. For example, below are three things not to do.
Read on to discover:
How you can helpfully organize not only meal support but also emotional support using the Healing Cruise Model (scroll below), which minimizes the organizational burden on beloveds going through cancer.
Things not to say and, better yet, Four Helpful Things to Say (scroll below).
Ways to bring kindness to your beloved and walk alongside them so they know they are not alone through Gifts and Gestures.
The fact that you’ve navigated to this website shows that you really want to be supportive and you’re willing to hear advice on how to do so – that is fantastic!
As a supporter, you can make things easier or harder for your beloved going through cancer. I offer below three essential ideas for you to consider. Each idea is grounded in my own experience with cancer and those of many others and draws from my work as a psychologist on coping with unpleasant emotions while bringing out pleasant emotions whenever possible.
Do not assume that your beloved wants to talk about their diagnosis, prognosis, or treatment. Instead, “knock on the door” by asking if today’s a day they feel like talking about their health.
Do not tell them stories about other people you’ve known with cancer. Everyone’s cancer situation is different and those experiences are unlikely to help and may instead be alarming. (Yes, people would first tell me about their friends who had survived cancer, and then they would just keep going and tell me about their friends who had died from cancer – not helpful!)
Do not engage in unsolicited problem-solving. Refrain from saying, “Why don’t you…?” and “Have you tried…?” If your beloved isn’t asking for suggestions, then you giving suggestions will focus your conversation on what is going wrong, which will actually increase your beloved’s suffering. You may feel better because you gave some advice, but they may feel worse.
Helpful Things to Say
Supportive Communication with Your Beloved & 4 Helpful Things to Say
Your main goal is for your beloved to know that they are accompanied and cared for during their cancer journey.
Here are some concepts on how to interact at this time.
Your loved one will feel accompanied through a series of small gestures or messages spaced out over time. Think of it like throwing a ball into the air and making sure it doesn’t hit the floor. Other supporters may catch and toss the ball up and you are glad to take your turn on a number of occasions. By sending multiple messages, they will know they can count on you and will feel permission to ask you for help, if and when they think of something.
Avoid making assumptions about what your beloved is going through. Don’t focus on you, what you know, or what you would want in their shoes. Set aside any need you might have to be appreciated or thanked. This is all about your beloved. You don’t have to guess what they would prefer; you would do well to ask them, but to give them choices so they don’t have to strain to think. For example, “I’m thinking of dropping off a book by your favorite author. Would you like me to leave it on the porch or ring the bell to say hi?”, or “I’m thinking of you. Is today a good day for a phone call or is text better?”
Speaking of calls and texts, you may be wondering what the best way to communicate with your beloved is. I suggest starting with your established pattern of communication – if you usually call this person, then pick up the phone. If they don’t answer, leave a voice mail so they can hear your voice and follow-up with a text that says you know they have a lot going on, they are on your mind, and you’re wondering if they’d like a phone call or if texting is better. If you usually text, then start by sending a text.
In it, you can ask, “Would you prefer a phone call or a text?” If you then find yourself in an active back-and-forth text conversation, ask whether they prefer to keep texting or would like to switch to phone. If you’re worried that you’re texting too often, just ask. You might say, “I hold you in my heart often! I’m wondering if it would be better for you if I would text a little less often than I do. Just let me know and your wish is my command.”
When you send a note over text or email, add, “You don’t have to respond - just know I’m thinking about you.” This takes away the cognitive burden of figuring out how to respond and the emotional burden of reflecting on having cancer.
With this background on how you might communicate at this time, I now offer you four helpful things to say.
Four Helpful Things to Say
1. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
This statement acknowledges that your beloved is encountering any number of distressing things without you assuming that you fully understand what they are going through.
2. “I’m sending you love, patience, and strength,” or “May you have love, patience, and strength.”
Often, we have within us what is needed to persevere. You can call these up for your beloved in the form of sharing what you have or offering a blessing.
3. “I’m thinking of you today as you have surgery/chemo/radiation. This is another step toward protecting your health. I’m cheering you on!”
Remembering someone on their treatment days makes them feel less alone, and you can help them see their progress by celebrating when they are half-way and all the way done, if their treatment length is known.
4. “Is today a day you feel like talking about your health?”
If they say yes, then ask how they are doing. Listen without trying to fix it. Be present while staying calm and non-judgmental.
If they say no, say, “Totally fine. Know I’m rooting for you.” Then move on to any topic, including something that’s been going on with you.
If all this is too much to remember, please don’t feel stuck. Just start by communicating how you usually would and asking questions to learn your beloved’s preferences during this unusual time.
And while things might be shifting for your beloved, you can still be you. In fact, please be you and bring what’s going on in your life to the conversation. It can feel very normalizing when you have cancer to hear about other people’s troubles, no matter how small they are in comparison to having cancer. If people hide all of their difficulties, then the person with cancer can feel like they are the only one with problems, and they are deprived of fully being able to be a good friend.
Speaking of good friends, you can now reach out to your beloved and make their experience of having cancer suck (at least a little bit) less.
How to Support Your Beloved Without Burdening Them
Cancer is emotional business. Giving and receiving support are both wrapped up in emotions – and time-consuming communications.
When I was going through cancer, it felt overwhelming to me to organize people. When kind people asked me how they could support me, I had no idea what to say. I often felt bad that I didn’t have ideas for other people, even though I wanted them to stay connected to me. I lacked the energy and creativity to come up with ideas. I now know that unpleasant emotions tamp down our creative juices, so no wonder I couldn’t come up with anything!
When the tables turned and I became a Supporter, I wanted to show my friends going through cancer – my beloveds – that I care about them without being intrusive, making them even more concerned about cancer treatment, or burdening them for ideas on how to help. Part of me also wanted to know if I was doing enough or a good job. The hard part is that we can’t do what we really want to do, which is to take away the cancer.
The Healing Cruise Support Model will give you as a supporter a simple way to join with other supporters to organize many actions of concrete help and emotional care that will make a meaningful difference as you walk alongside your beloved. It will also give your beloved a low-burden way to direct you and all the kindhearted people who want to be helpful but don’t know how.