How to Share Your News While Maintaining Your Mental Health
I learned the hard way that how you share your news early on will have big implications for your mental health. I shared my news one-on-one with friends, family, and colleagues as I encountered them. Although this approach saved me from trying to succinctly write a single note for all audiences and figuring out a platform to post it, it ultimately made me more distressed.
Why how you share your news matters
Personally telling each individual about my cancer diagnosis meant:
I kept re-living my diagnosis and retracing my steps, from the moment of finding a breast lump up to the present moment.
I lost control over when I was going to think about cancer.
I bathed in unpleasant emotions over and over again.
What’s more, this approach set the stage for people to come to me for health updates. After all, I had initially shared the news with them individually. I hadn’t considered how long treatment (and future tests) might go on and I honestly didn’t realize how many people I knew.
My main suggestions are to:
minimize repeating bad news
avoid being asked for health updates regularly and out of the blue.
I used a different approach when I later got a concerning lab result. That time, I sent a brief email sharing a few facts and said that I would email again when I had an update. I added that it would be best not to ask me until then. My day-to-day anxiety was so much better. Thank goodness I did that, too, because it took two years (!) to finally be deemed in the clear.
An easy platform for sharing your news: CaringBridge
CaringBridge (caringbridge) is a website for sharing one’s health story that has been around since 1997. For free, you can easily create a site for yourself or for someone else. You register your email address, personalize your site, and choose your privacy settings. Then you can post updates as frequently or infrequently as you want. Friends can visit the site for updates and can leave supportive comments. When you want support, you can visit the site and read comments. When you don’t want to think about it, you don’t have to open the webpage, and this approach may keep emails that remind you of your diagnosis at unwanted times out of your inbox.
If writing about your news feels hard, delegate it to someone else A post sharing your news can be short and sweet. However, because you are living every detail of your cancer journey, it is hardest for you to cut through a jungle of vines to share just the key points. Having someone who is one step removed from your cancer experience write your post can be so helpful. This can be a significant other, friend, or, if you’re using my Healing Cruise Model of organizing your support team, your Co-Captain.
Things to Consider When Sharing your News
There are a few questions to ask yourself. I know these aren’t fun to ponder. However, you’re going to have to think about them sooner or later – it’s more a matter of whether you think it through in advance or under pressure when you run into someone.
Do you want to share what kind of cancer you have?
Some people prefer not to, because their friends may search the web and start guessing at their prognosis. Other people like to share it because it is what they are going through. Either way is truly fine.
How do you want people to show that they care?
Some options include:
Cards can be sent to [address] or you can post a message on CaringBridge
[Name of the beloved with cancer] feels blessed to have so much support already. If you would like to lend a hand or show [name of the beloved with cancer] that they are loved while on this journey, you can get in touch with [name of a friend] at [phone number or email address] and they can share ideas with you. (See my guide to creating a support model without being burdened: The Healing Cruise Support Model)
How much do you want to share about your cancer treatment and next steps?
If you have a job, will you send your colleagues to see your post on a place like CaringBridge?
If this will be the source of information for your colleagues, they will probably be wondering if you plan to pause working, and might return to the site to find out when you plan to resume working, so you may want to include a sentence with your work plan. On the other hand, most supervisors will ask you if it’s OK to share with your colleagues anything about your health and why you’re on work leave, and they could handle sharing this information with your co-workers.
